Lets Talk about Sexand Fanfiction?
by you know who chan
Summary: A not-so original plot: Ron has finally done "it"-and the Gryffindor boys have a discussion on it. Harry goes on to prove he is the most experienced of them all! warnings of hinted slash and major parody


Mindless Drabbles: The Series

Summary: Ron has finally done _it_-and the Gryffindor boys have a discussion on it. Eventually all the characters have a discussion on it. Oh Dear! (Pairings based on real posts) warnings of hinted slash and a major parody.

Drabble 1: The Gryffindor Boys

"It-its was amazing." Ron said as he entered the boy's dorm late on night.

"What, did you find a second kitchen closer to the common room?" Harry replied in a dry tone. He was tired and didn't really care about his best friend right now.

"No-" Ron said defectively. "-sex!" He said it like it was first time he had ever said the word.

"Congrats." Harry said, still not very interested.

"Welcome to the club, mate!" Seamus shouted, jumping for his bed to slap Ron on the back. Hard. "Harry-I'm not sure you've joined us yet have you?"

Dean joined them all as Seamus and Ron sat on the foot of Harry's bed. Harry glared at them, but they didn't care and ignored it. "Guess the regular guys beat the celebrities in the long run, eh?" Seamus nudged Harry with a wink and laugher in his voice. Harry scowled.

"Come on," Neville said, joining them as well. "I'm a virgin too, Harry. And I'm proud!" The three not-virgins burst out laughing.

"You don't know what you're missing, trust me." Dean said.

"Great exercise too- you burn tons of calories!" Seamus added.

"Thanks for sharing Seamus." Harry said dryly.

"No problem mate!"

"And besides-I bet I know more about sex then all of you." They laughed again. "No-really. Look at this…" Harry pulled out a laptop from under his bed. "I got it to work inside here –muggle thing don't even bother asking." He added for the boy's benefit. Mostly Ron and Neville.

"It's a moveable computer!" Dean said, amazed. "I've heard of these."

"Yes-and look" Harry turned around with the laptop so all the boys were behind him and could see the laptop. He typed in .net and then clicked on a few buttons and keys so that a search page came up. He typed in 'Harry' and in the genre 'romance' he searched in the summary box as well.

"EWW MALFOY!!" Ron screamed as the word 'Draco' popped up. "that's so-icky!"

"And Hermione? I thought she was just your friend." Dean added, ignoring Ron's screaming.

"Dude, Snape AND Malfoy, and look…that old Cedric in there to! And all along I thought you were straight." Seamus shook his head. "No wonder you can't get any action."

"Even Lavender? Dude, take it from me, she's bit high-maintenance." Dean said.

"Lavender?" Rom suddenly joined them again. "What about her?"

"Harry's doin' her too." Seamus answered. "Parvati and Ginny as well." Ron stuck his tongue out in disgust. He tired to interrupt but Seamus put his hand over the red-head's mouth. "Dude!" He suddenly exclaimed. "You're doing ever girl in our Gryffindor year!"

Suddenly filled with excitement he grabbed the laptop from Harry. Ron began some old speech about 'doing his sister' but no one listened to him. Seamus began typing in a bunch of girl's names next to Harry's. "Man Harry, you really know how to get around."

Harry beamed. "Told ya."

"Hey-hey" Neville poked Seamus in the arm until he snapped a 'what?' at him. "Am I in there?"

Seamus typed in Neville. "You got a crush on Ron or something?" Dean asked, looking at the computer.

"What!" Neville squeaked, his eyes wide.

"PERVERT!" Ron suddenly screamed, jumping for the bed. "He's going to rape me!!" He began running around the room like he was being chased.

"Shut up Ron." Seamus, Dean, and Harry all said at the same time, calming the red-head.

"Look Nev," Seamus said, returning to their conversation. "You have Ginny and Luna. I guess you go for the younger ones, eh?" He poked Neville in the ribs with his elbow grinning all the while.

Neville flushed. "Do not." He mumbled.

"Look, me!" Dean pointed to the screen excitedly.

"And Snape." Harry added, sniggering. Dean frowned. "Good job Nev!"

"OK, ok, Neville's boring: my turn!" Dean grabbed the computer from Seamus and typed in his name. "Look, Seamus, you're there!"

"Secret passions, mate, never mess with them."

Harry looked at them. "No doing anything in my bed."

"Do stuff in Harry's bed? Ok, got it!" Seamus looked quite pleased with himself.

"Ha ha" Harry replied dryly. "You must really like Seamus, he's all over the place on here." He commented as Dean continued to scroll down.

"And some Ginny in there. Hey Ron, I think your baby sister is a bit of a slut." Ron tried to throw himself at Seamus but Seamus used his wand to bind Ron. "Sorry mate, no offence or anything. Please don't hurt me." He smiled.

"Let him go, Seamus. His reactions are funny." Dean and Neville nodded their heads in agreement. Seamus let him go and Ron sat back on the bed, arms folded in a childish way.

"Dean, you're drawing me!" Neville exclaimed suddenly. The boys looked at him. "Look, Dean fancies me." He looked oddly proud of this. The other boys decided to ignore Neville's excitement in the hopes that he would drop it.

"Seamus' turn." Dean said, typing in his friend's name. "Look, Blaise Zambini, that Slytherin kid." Seamus looked interested.

"Better then Malfoy." The other nodded in agreement.

"Me, Ron, even Cedric. Hermione, Lavender, Ginny…"

Ron made a noise that sounded like a squawk. "I'm going to bed!" He huffed and went over to his own head where he covered himself from view with the curtains.

"Jealous, I bet." Seamus said in a low voice so Ron wouldn't hear.

"Shall we do Ron anyways?"

"No-no. I want to go back to me. Look at all these people I have sex with." Harry said, taking the computer. "Why, I do just about everyone I know!"

"No kidding." Seamus said dryly. "Voldemort, Snape, Malfoy, Cedric, Ginny, Hermione, Ron, Sirius, Lupin, Malfoy Senior, damn Harry, that aint even all."

"I'm going to bed, night!" Neville said after Dean pointed to his name on the screen.

"Scared." Dean commented. "Poor boy."

Seamus looked at the screen again. "You are my new hero!" He stuck his hand (made into a fist) in the air. "I love you Harry Potter!"

Harry started at him. "Um…thanks."

Seamus paused.

"Am I in there?"

Dean burst out laughing.

I wrote this a long time ago, but I never posted it up; so I thought: why not? I originally planned to do several sets, centering on the general groups (like the Gryffindor Girls or the Teachers) but I never got around to writing them, although that it isn't to say I won't ever write them. Has you may have noticed if you've read my other stuff, I'm terrible about updating. I know it's no longer a very original topic, but humorous just the same. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it!


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